Letter untuk ayah

Helo ayah..

It took me a while to write about this but all this it been here the whole time.I guess this is the only channel to speak since I was never been allow to let out anything out loud to you regarding this topic. I was been warn before this by you not to talk about this because my word of mouth will bring the family apart. Deep down I really want you to know, its not me who going to bring the family apart. Its you!!!

I try so hard to impress you since I was a kid but I never been good enough for you. Now you had her, I feel that you discriminate the rest of the sibling. I didn’t teach them about being rude and see the unfairness that you did to me and them because they big enough to understand what’s going on and their position in you priority. I didn’t use this channel to bash you up but I hope this would be an eye opener to you. I know you’re a good father but sometimes you didn’t think what others would feel when you too prioritize her.

I’m sorry that I didn’t listen much to you, I didn’t go to that fancy boarding school, I didn’t take account, I didn’t take that university offer and fly high in US. Yes! I’m stubborn, but didn’t it give you any hint that all that wasn’t my choice? You always tell yuyu to learn something that she wants not what her mum wanted her to do, but look at yourself being so possessive about what you children want to do. I know you have a right to do that but didn’t we have one too?

You know what I’m grateful the most? Right now being in Malaysia with you, stand up for you, look out for you because I understand your financial position. I think if I still took that offer to fly to US I might be a prostitute in US to pay for my tuition. I never was embarrassed for being poor and live hard to survive with you just I hope you will consider the point I ponder. I thought when I’m away in Kuching you would learn something about my present but guess not, even I’m here or not it doesn’t matter because you have her. I feel useless to you!

You hardly give me any choices; you kill all the relationship that I ever had with your own mother. Where would I run now when I had a problem with you, you wouldn’t listen to anything. You always had underestimate me because I never been good enough for you. I can comprehend you being pushy but I don’t understand why she the only one gets in the way. I didn’t blame her much, its you too contemplate to keep her pamper. Then when she being ignorance of your problem who you would turn to? Me, mak and the sibling!

Have you ever tell her your problem and educate her to understand? Even if you did, did she even bother to listen and empathy for you? Its so obvious isn’t it? I didn’t ask so much, I just hope you being more appreciative of us. Being appreciative its not the amount of money you gave, how much food you place on the dining table, its your gratitude to see your other children potential and listen to what they say to you. Please appreciate me ayah! While I’m still here with you before I run for good, you know what I’m capable of doing. I’ve done it once, so don’t mourn when I’m gone :)

Yeah maybe this even about the money, its still obvious you would spend more on her. But does it ever occur to you that she might not the only investment you can spend on to? Hello there another 4 of us too, this point is in my mind when I turn off the offer to fly. If 17 years old of me that time can think about that why can’t you? Every time I bring up about this, you would say that you did the same for me too. But is it the same ayah? When I wanted more what would you educate me? Work for it! But did she ever have a chance to work for it? Anything that I work for will be given to her, does that fair? By the way, even mak asked me, will you have the time to study if you busy working? Of course I lied, I didn’t really have much but I strive for it but would I be the honor to tell her the truth that I’m broke and make her feel incapable to provide? I work because I ain’t rich girl who wait the money thrown over her head!

Yes I’m greedy! But at least I didn’t harm anyone to achieve what I want. There’s nothing wrong for wanting more, I never embarrass to work at the ice cream stall, being logistic crew which actually meant for men, work during ramadhan with you at masjid india when I was 10, work at your old restaurant, working-working-working is what I do since I’m a kid. I never regret any of those, but now I had a regret to ponder. Regret being born to the world as your daughter but obviously a burden to you more than putting a satisfaction smile on your face!