Letter untuk ayah

Helo ayah..

It took me a while to write about this but all this it been here the whole time.I guess this is the only channel to speak since I was never been allow to let out anything out loud to you regarding this topic. I was been warn before this by you not to talk about this because my word of mouth will bring the family apart. Deep down I really want you to know, its not me who going to bring the family apart. Its you!!!

I try so hard to impress you since I was a kid but I never been good enough for you. Now you had her, I feel that you discriminate the rest of the sibling. I didn’t teach them about being rude and see the unfairness that you did to me and them because they big enough to understand what’s going on and their position in you priority. I didn’t use this channel to bash you up but I hope this would be an eye opener to you. I know you’re a good father but sometimes you didn’t think what others would feel when you too prioritize her.

I’m sorry that I didn’t listen much to you, I didn’t go to that fancy boarding school, I didn’t take account, I didn’t take that university offer and fly high in US. Yes! I’m stubborn, but didn’t it give you any hint that all that wasn’t my choice? You always tell yuyu to learn something that she wants not what her mum wanted her to do, but look at yourself being so possessive about what you children want to do. I know you have a right to do that but didn’t we have one too?

You know what I’m grateful the most? Right now being in Malaysia with you, stand up for you, look out for you because I understand your financial position. I think if I still took that offer to fly to US I might be a prostitute in US to pay for my tuition. I never was embarrassed for being poor and live hard to survive with you just I hope you will consider the point I ponder. I thought when I’m away in Kuching you would learn something about my present but guess not, even I’m here or not it doesn’t matter because you have her. I feel useless to you!

You hardly give me any choices; you kill all the relationship that I ever had with your own mother. Where would I run now when I had a problem with you, you wouldn’t listen to anything. You always had underestimate me because I never been good enough for you. I can comprehend you being pushy but I don’t understand why she the only one gets in the way. I didn’t blame her much, its you too contemplate to keep her pamper. Then when she being ignorance of your problem who you would turn to? Me, mak and the sibling!

Have you ever tell her your problem and educate her to understand? Even if you did, did she even bother to listen and empathy for you? Its so obvious isn’t it? I didn’t ask so much, I just hope you being more appreciative of us. Being appreciative its not the amount of money you gave, how much food you place on the dining table, its your gratitude to see your other children potential and listen to what they say to you. Please appreciate me ayah! While I’m still here with you before I run for good, you know what I’m capable of doing. I’ve done it once, so don’t mourn when I’m gone :)

Yeah maybe this even about the money, its still obvious you would spend more on her. But does it ever occur to you that she might not the only investment you can spend on to? Hello there another 4 of us too, this point is in my mind when I turn off the offer to fly. If 17 years old of me that time can think about that why can’t you? Every time I bring up about this, you would say that you did the same for me too. But is it the same ayah? When I wanted more what would you educate me? Work for it! But did she ever have a chance to work for it? Anything that I work for will be given to her, does that fair? By the way, even mak asked me, will you have the time to study if you busy working? Of course I lied, I didn’t really have much but I strive for it but would I be the honor to tell her the truth that I’m broke and make her feel incapable to provide? I work because I ain’t rich girl who wait the money thrown over her head!

Yes I’m greedy! But at least I didn’t harm anyone to achieve what I want. There’s nothing wrong for wanting more, I never embarrass to work at the ice cream stall, being logistic crew which actually meant for men, work during ramadhan with you at masjid india when I was 10, work at your old restaurant, working-working-working is what I do since I’m a kid. I never regret any of those, but now I had a regret to ponder. Regret being born to the world as your daughter but obviously a burden to you more than putting a satisfaction smile on your face!

facebook..

bleh kata smua org ade facebook,berlumba2 nk menambah kwn/musuh/fam/ex kat situ..hr ni kesahnye psl facebook..ade yg wonder knp facebook hr2 mkin rmi pastu tiba2 mkin kurg jumlah kwn nyer..tepuk dada tny diri sndri la..xkurg yg add aku tuhh bkn knl aku pun,sj nk glenyaa pun ade, claim junior aku la zmn jahiliyahh dulu, nk cr psl pun ade hurmm

tp recently ni mkin byk yg kn buang sbb suke cr psl..alu t’igt aku blog meriahuoll.blogspot.com yg aku bc hr tuhh psl manusia yg xabis2 ske dengki org..ntah ape dia dpt pun xtau,sj nk tmbh dosa yg dh sedia ade ke kononnyer amal pahala dh melimpahkan..haaa status aku d facebook menceritakan psl manusia yg ske cr psl tuh la..aku mmg xnyesal atas any conduct aku kpd hamba2 allah ini sbb aku tau tuhan tu maha adil..byk dah aku tgk org yg SKE SGT dgki ngan aku tuh dh d bg balasan tuhan dpn mata aku..blum aku mati lagi ni,so klu aku mati skang pun aku xnyesal sbb aku dh puas tgk org tuhh dpt revenge dr ALLAH huhu..

slh sorg yg ske cr psl tuh br ni anak dia positif H1n1..bkn la aku nk sorak ke ape,aku ksian gak tp aku nk kata dh mcm2 TULAH dia dpt pun xreti2 nk insaf gak..pe nk jd tahhh,aku doa gak la anak dia sehatt aminnn..sbb aku pro, klu aku klahi ngan si A..aku bekeng ngan A jek tak la ngan sluruh keturunan A tuhh :))..hurmm actually rmi lg yg dr zmn jahiliyahh smpi skang yg xabis2 org xske ngan aku,mmg aku mls nk amik pusing sbb igt2 blk ape aku pnh bt ngan dorg pun xtau..b’ckp pun xpnh,maybe sbb kisah aku kasar n baran kut tersebar meluas tp baran2 aku xkan meletus jika x d provoke..

t’igt aku satu kesah thn lps..mamat tuh ngan aku ok sdh la skang, gara2 kmi b’wrestle d fac org len pndg serong ngan aku n cap aku kaki klahi..ape yg bt aku mrh n hangin nk bertumbok tuh xde plak org nk tau,itu la klu pompuan gado msti pk pompuan tuh yg dh nek hantuu..typical assumption!!! Tp perception tu kekal smpi aku mati kut,lantak la aku puas bt baikk ngan org..bak kata salehudin “u cant satisfy everybody”..so aku dcide baikk ngan sp yg layak n be more selfish,tok sah baikk sgt nk tlg sn cni sbb org2 tu bkn igt pun ngan aku klu aku ssh nnt..aku doa biar tuhan je yg balas sbb balasan ALLAH tu LAGI BESHHH!!! ;)

Pillow talkkk..

Haa d sbbkan xde nite life kt cni so nite life kitaowg ialah pillow talk smpi larut mlm huhu..topic smlm ialah wedding n future la gtu..so kwn aku ni mmg giler bab wedding, dr perhiasan hingga la bnda2 yg kcik2 psl wedding..so dia ade bilang gak yg dia pk nk grad n kawen since laki dh ready jek..bertuah tul huhu,sorg lg kwn aku ni juz pk grad keje jek wedding is in mind tp xla kalut bab nk wedding cemana smua..so smlm aku spill bhgian aku bab wedding, yg dh tau xde secret dh la tp yg bok tauk dorg like wow sgt plikkk..dr aku kcikk mmg aku xkalut sgt wedding ni even though skang aku keje part time ngan wedding stuff industry gtu but still aku xangkat mud pun huhu..

klu aku kawen,kawen la klu tak nggak papa kok huhu..sbb aku mmg xpnh picture myself settle ngan 1 person for period of time sbb aku ni plikkk haha..tp aku picture myself in future ada anak tp bkn cara yg conventional if aku xkawen la, aku nak anak guna sperm donor tp since aku muslim so aku kn legalize, xnk ku anak ku klak jd anak haram plakkk..tu pon aku rs aku xnk kut hv sex ngan dia better aku hantar jek telo aku kt clinic n suh dorg jek bt kan haha..

n klu aku kawen btul2 yg cm org biasa kawen pun aku nk sesimple mungkin..tp cm impossible la akan t’jd sbb msti family bsing bt gtu..aku prefer kawen kt ofis salam kadi kt meja ofis dia n de saksi udahh..thenn xde knduri kndara bagai juz have btul2 PRIVATE dinner yg invite fam mmbr yg btul2 close n no frens around..then take wedding pixxx like gazillion bykkk kt destinasi yg beshhh n xtvt like skydive/scuba dive/couple bungee/rock climb jump etc cara yg jrg org bt huhu

p/s: nxt pillow talk citer pe plak ekk?? Msti dorg dh xajak aku pillow talk dh cz idea aku plikk2 jak haha

agnesss

aku bok korbankan rmbut aku n haircut aku inspired by agnes monica female Indonesian singer yg beshhhh bgt tu huhu..sp yg rajin tgk status ym aku smua akan dok tertnya2 ayat kt status tuh..smua pk aku dh jmpa laki br haha sgt la lawak..tp srius korg shud dgr sacredly agnezious album, mmg berbaloi rp 45000 beli sbb smua lagu beshhhh..tp kt m’sia bok la terhegeh2 nk putar lagu dia kt radio huhu..besides dat, aku ske tgk dia menari lincah seperti xpduli waktu tuh n fashion dia mmg inspiring la..stailll seyh

Haa de lg citer agnesss, ayat2 dlm lagu dia mmg reflect sgt la ngan keadaan aku skang..ngan fam prob yg xbes2 ni kan, cun de ayat lam lagu agnesss says “teruskanlah teruskanlah kau begitu”..sbb ada aku kesah ke ko nk bnci aku? Bena kata bapak ku org mcm itu hanya cr bila ssh, bila sng haram la nk cr kita mmg lupa diri..whuteva la!

1 lg lagu lam tuh mengigtkan aku ngan Z, aku dok cntact blk n mlyn dirty talks dia..aku xde feel udah ngan nya tp sj buang waktu jek haha..lam lagu tuh says “jangan pernah merasa kaulah yang istimewa bagiku kau lelaki biasa”..perghhh nang pdih ati la klu dia dgr, ala lgpun dia udah ade gf tp bleh dok mlyn aku huhu..tp aku pun satu hal gak xdpt nk disconnect ngan dia sbb dia beda ngan laki len sbb aku yg march nk dptkan dia tp byk sgt hal yg dia wt aku skt ati n smpi la satu level yg aku ilang minat huhu..so skang jz mlyn suka2 sbb dia ade potensi utk jd sperm donor utk anak aku in 10yrs time :)

Aku berada d puncak dunia..

Aku br pindah kmpus yg sgt la terusuk dlm, jln lam kmpus cam nk pg genting liuk-meliuk jauh ke dlm tp challenge la utk aku n BB..so far br ronda dkt2 jek blum coba jln liuk-meliuk tuh lg huhu..haa citer psl meronda, td siap kn kepong bagai ngan polis cz kwsn aku msk tuh rupernyer hanya utk kenderaan authorized SAJA haha..mn la aku tau akan terkantoi plak kan cz yg aku tau ujung jln tuh de tangki air jek..kecohhh giler pastu cbok nk ngepong aku n siap nk knalan bagai n of course tidak ada yg benar la kata2 aku huhu..hurmmm kesah di puncak ni mmg la amat plikk, aku tau la aku sorg jek yg bwk beskal tp xyah la kan jakun cam xpnh tgk org bwk beskal..musykil tul aku manusia kt cni smuanyer mengheran kan tp tangga nk trun ke kwsn fac smpi hmper 7 tgkat n bgnan fac design cm ruper hospital xnk plak dorg herannn..herann2x

Lori oh lori..

Hr ni ade hari sukan fac la kononnyer..then since it’s a weekend so agak mls mok tggu2 bus so alu aku cycle..then cycle la pg pdg n join jek xtvt..then mmbr aku ajak tmn dia jmpe mem dia..so d pdg cycle umah dia plak n sbb dia bok pindah aku dok sesat2 dl hehe..then tmbung ngan treler ni,mula2 treler ni dok parking dpn pusat kesihatan kwsn aku tggl..cycle nyer cycle ntah bila ms plak treler dok setentang ngan aku..dh la pnjg giler n ekor treler tuh dh cam ekor buaya nk melibas org,drebar nyer plakk cbok dok pggl2 konon nk enjin harammm la aku nk lyn..sbbkan keadaan jd smakin bahaya sbb keta blkg aku jd teragak agak nk msk lane sbb ekor treler td..so aku suh drebar tuh blahh cz silap hr bln aku pun bleh mati gak klu keta blkg dok cbok elak2 ekor tuh kang terlanggar aku plakkk..then last2 dpt gak loose dia kt traffic light n drebar treler tuh agak bengang la ngan aku sbb aku xbg chance ngan dia..ayat dia aku mmg xbleh blah “ko igt ko kacak sgt ke”..kecohhh sialll, peduli ape aku klu aku pk aku kacak ke tak..yg ko tuhhh hr2 cerminn bwhhh je atas muka tuhh xcerminnn plakkk..adooyaiii!!!

p/s: drebar treler tuh tamby yg cm nigga itam yg muka sgt sangap horny bagai la -_-“

BB

Helo ppl, actually dunno nk citer ape hr ni but I think intro la sket kan haha..this blog is named after beskal aku yg aku pggl BB or blue bike..BB kinda beshh fren aku n BB dh byk buka mata aku utk lihat dunia in diff view la gtew..gw beruntung punya BB sepeda biruku yg kerennnn..syg kamu!!!